Working Out What You Want From Your Life & Love After The Wedding
Do you tend to place high expectations on your spouse? It's very natural to do so. You do expect them to love, honor, respect, and cherish you until death do you part.
However, many new spouses expect their partner to read their minds as well. Or expect their spouse to handle all the house chores. Or to take care of all the finances. When their spouse does not do what they expect, arguments ensue and anxiety about your connection may arise.
Now is the best time for both of you to lay your expectations on the table and get them out in the open. Early on is a good time to really clarify what your own expectations are. If you are expecting your spouse to perfectly fulfill every need without you having to ask (or even know, for sure, what you're wanting), you are setting yourself up for frustration and disappointment.
For the best matrimonial start possible, let's consider the following instead:
How to Work Out What You Want From Your Life and Love After the Wedding
Find the Sources of Your Expectations
Maybe you saw your mom do the cooking every night with a load of wash going and conversation going with your dad. It may be that you expect your spouse to do the same thing for you every night.
Maybe your father is the one who planned all of the holiday shopping, cooking, and party planning. This may cause you to take a backseat and place those responsibilities on your spouse's plate.
There may be nothing malicious, disrespectful, or even intentional about your expectations. But there is a good chance that your expectations have nothing to do with your partner's wants and needs.
Be careful that you are not simply plugging your partner into the results of your personal upbringing. Your spouse had a different childhood. Remember that not all marriages come with the same responsibilities.
Never Expect Perfection From Your Partner
You may believe that because you have found your life partner, they should know you better than you know yourself. That actually could not be further from the truth. Love is ever-changing and growing. Even if you think you know everything about your spouse now, you will get to learn more things about them based on their living habits and their daily priorities.
It is impossible to have a connection with someone and never have disharmony or disagreements. Your partner will never be perfect and there will always be things about that person that will bother you. That's natural and a part of long-term commitment. The goal is to try and find some common ground amidst the disagreements.
Avoid insisting that your spouse fulfill your expectations or remain the "same person" you married. Commit to sharing your growth and new perspectives. Give each other the best chance possible to stay connected and emotionally available throughout the course of your marriage.
Allow for Your Individual Selves
Another problem with expectations? You may put too much pressure on your partner to make you happy. Remember that losing yourself in the relationship isn't the aim. You want to enjoy each other and become equally important parts of your team.
Instead of depending on your partner to be your only source of happiness, find other ways to feel happy. Build a career that makes you happy, volunteer, and take up hobbies. Maintain the time you spend time with your friends. Then when you come home to your spouse, you will expect less and enjoy them more. Your connection will feel like icing on the cake.
Identify Realistic Expectations
It is time for you and your spouse to talk about the realistic expectations you have for your marriage and each other. This is a great start for instilling openness and honesty in your relationship.
Before you get married, make a list of your own of what you expect in each other. Show the lists to each other and find common ground during moments when you disagree. If necessary, take your lists to a premarital counselor. Hear each other out.
We are here to help. Learn more about our premarital counseling services and contact us soon.