Back-to-School Bonding: 4 Tips for Staying Close to Your Teen
Summer vacation, road trips, family picnics, and barbecues were great. Without the weight of so many school-related COVID constraints, you were likely able to relax with the kids a bit and check in on their emotional health more often.
With so much stress weighing on the shoulders of parents everywhere that time off was much needed if you were fortunate enough to have it.
But summer never lasts forever. And after working to improve your relationship with your teen, you may be a bit worried.
Will worry all of the in-school uncertainty, pandemic panic, and adolescent angst undo all of your bonding?
What can you do to stay close to your teen?
How can you let them know that you're still ready and willing to connect whenever they need you?
The best place to start is by working on your communication skills. Doing this can really help to improve your connection as the seasons change. Additionally, working with an experienced therapist who specializes in teen counseling can be particularly helpful as you improve your communication skills.
1. Avoid Imperatives
One way to improve your relationship and become closer with your teen is to avoid using imperatives. Going back to school and work brings out the bossy, directive nature in most parents. Imperatives are words that communicate to your child that you are telling them to do something now. For example, “I need you to pay attention.” Although this might be true, using the word “need” tells your child not that you have a need, but that you are bossing them around. Thus, they will be more reactive and less interested in hearing what you have to say. Instead, use requests to communicate your wishes to your child.
2. Become Closer to Your Teen by Listening
A very important part of communication is listening. This is true for any kind of
relationship, but especially for one with your teen. What does it take to really listen?
• Make the time to listen, especially if your teen asks to talk to you
• Create space where there will be few or no distractions
• Pay attention to what they are saying, especially details
• Reflect what they say back to them
• Ask for clarification
Developing listening skills is a lifelong practice. Again, this can be a place where
working with a specialist in teen counseling could be useful. That’s because a counselor can coach you on your listening skills so that you can be more effective when communicating with your teen.
3. Curiously Seek to Understand Your Teen
Oftentimes adults will hear a teen start talking and either mentally or actually roll their eyes at them! Then, the adult will speak from their perspective as if it's the gospel truth. These kinds of interactions do not strengthen the relationship with your teen. In fact, they can drive your teen further away. Slow down the responses in your brain. Be slower to jump to conclusions and judgment. Whether what they share aligns with your perspective is not the point. Rather, it’s an opportunity to ask even more questions and learn who they are as an individual.
4. Validate Your Teen
Finally, you can become closer with your teen by validating what they are saying, thinking, and feeling. Note that validation does not necessarily mean you agree with them. It does, however, show to them that you understand where they are coming from. The goal? To sincerely acknowledge that their perspective is valued and respected.
Validation is much more important than being “right” vs. “wrong” in a discussion or argument. In fact, confirming your teen's right to their opinions and perspectives can really help deescalate a potential argument before it starts.
When You Need More Support
If you have tried these ideas and are still struggling to forge a closer relationship with your teen, then it might be time for teen counseling. This can be helpful for them, and for you. Sometimes it’s helpful to have an outsider’s perspective on what’s happening in your relationship.
Summertime was not just a time to relax and have fun. It was just the beginning of a new season of closeness and mutual respect. Keep reaching out to your teen and improving your relationship.
If you encounter roadblocks or dead-ends, consider additional help through teen counseling. Also, a family counselor might coach both of you on better ways to improve your connection. Please read more about therapy and connect with us soon for a consultation.